World Series Picks: Ballgames, Batteries, and Brawls?

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As we press on with the 2009 “Fall/Winter Classic,” I cannot help but think that it is Bud Selig’s secret plan to extend the baseball season as long as possible in order to slowly kill all Cubs fans. Yes, it’s November. Yes, it has been nearly an entire month since my beloved North-Siders have played a baseball game. (Speaking of the North-Siders, new owner Tom Ricketts and family hope to bring a World Series title to the real team of Chicago next year. What a revolutionary. Glad to have such vision in our front office for once. You know, because we haven’t been trying to do that for the last 100 “next years.”)

So here it is, November 1, and we’re just now getting to game 4 of the World Series. To be perfectly honest, I haven’t watched much of the first three games. I hate the Yankees. I nearly hate the Phillies. And since there is a 45% chance that I will have a Alex Gonzalez flashback every time a  ground ball is hit to a short stop, causing me to instantly stab my shins with a fork, I have been trying to stay away. But, the little bit I have seen has told me this: The Yankees lead the Series 2-1. Pretty nice, eh?

So, without further ado, here’s how I see tonight’s game going down. We’ll break this down pick-style, since I messed up and didn’t pick any NFL games this week.

C.C. Sabathia (-12.5) over Joe Blanton

You’re the Phillies. Realistically, you need to take 2 of 3 in Philidelphia so you don’t have to win 2 straight at Yankee Stadium. Your former ace craps his pants in Game 3, putting you in a must-win situation for Game 4. If you go down 3-1, you can kiss the Repeat goodbye. You have already heard the Yankees say they’re throwing their ace. And your answer is Joe Blanton? Really? I understand it’s short rest for Cliff Lee, but it’s not that bad; he’s used to pitching every 5th day, and he pitched 4 days ago (Wednesday). Is that really such a stretch? Especially when you are in a must win game?!?!? Seriously, I don’t get baseball. Someone needs to check to make sure Charlie Manuel wasn’t replaced by Lou Pinella, because this just doesn’t make sense. 

A-Rod’s slump (-1.5) over Ryan Howard’s slump

It’s funny how nine short years has changed the entire psychological makeup of the northeast. The Yankee fans are grossly overreacting on the fact that A-Rod had two bad games, despite his ridiculous numbers in his first two series. (This never would have happened in 2000). Meanwhile, Phillies fans have remained eerily calm as Ryan Howard has struggled as well. I take A-Rod simply because he’s has Blanton throwing batting practice to him for the first 3 innings. 

Number of meetings at the mound (-11) over number of combined runs.

In the bottom half of the first inning alone, Andy Pettite was visited approximately 9,035 times by various players, coaches, vendors and car salesman. Seriously, enough is enough. Catchers and pitchers should just carry Blackberries with Bluetooth headsets and just call each other. This would take much less time than the shenanigans we have now.

“Hey, Andy”

“Ya, Jorge, what is it”

“Could you stop throwing the ball to firs base? My knees are shot, and it hurts to squat so much.”

“I mean, I guess. It’s kind of part of my intimidation gimmic that I have. You know, my killer pickoff move.”

“Fair enough. But seriously, Fastball?”

“Perfect.”

(See? That was much faster. Plus we could have a ‘Battery: Wired’ section for Joe Buck and Tim McCarver to talk about during the 15 hour game.) 

Bench-clearing brawl (+1.5) over Yankee batters’ safety.

Another Yankee slugger was hit last night, this time Alex Rodriguez was the target. Which leads me to this question: would you put it past Charlie Manuel to throw at A-Rod and Tex every time until he either a) runs out of pitchers or b) the Yankees finally crack and attack the mound? Think about it: you know that C.C. would not be able to hold himself back, nor would every one of the Yankees (save Jeter… panzy). Meanwhile, Charlie could just send in Brett Myers and Brad Lidge, thus eliminating all of his pitching problems at once! (Doesn’t that sound at least a little plausible? I would absolutely do it for a World Series ring. Then again, my team signed Milton Bradley instead of Raul Ibanez. No, I’m not bitter at all.)

But in all seriousness, this game has already been decided. Somehow, some way, Joe Blanton will beat the Yankees tonight. How do I know? Because the Eagles crushed the Giants today (40-17? Ouch). There is no chance that Philly loses this game after killing New York earlier in the day. Which means only one thing: maybe we see a fight tonight. Hey, a guy can only hope.

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